Things That Fill Me Up With Pure, Unadulterated RAGE

Things That Fill Me Up With Pure, Unadulterated RAGE

People walking slowly:

WHY are some most people so unaware of the space around them? They just dawdle along completely oblivious to you RIGHT behind them, trying your hardest to get passed. Because that’s another thing – they dawdle along IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PAVEMENT. And whenever you try and pass them on either side, they dawdle sideways and block your way. Fuckers.

People walking too quickly:

This one’s a bitch too. Sometimes you just want to dawdle, take in the sights, breathe the summer air, listen to the birds but you CAN’T because some most people are too busy rushing through life and getting all impatient and huffy right on your heels. People need to learn to CHILL.

Space hoggers:

People who get on buses, planes, and trains and take up your seat space. People coming towards you on the pavement who refuse to move. People who put theirs bags and/or coats on the chair next to them in the hairdressers/doctors. People who think they’ve got a God-given right to more space in the world than others. MOVE THE FUCK OVER.

People (excluding my mum, boss, or some sort of instructor/mentor) who try and tell me what to do:

I won’t listen. And if I do, I’ll do the opposite of what you say. I can’t help it.

Vicious gossip:

We all gossip. It’s a natural part of being a human and I think that most of the time we gossip about people we actually care about. We like talking about them. We like worrying about them. We like them. But then there’s that other kind of gossip. The vicious kind. The kind where people discuss someone they don’t even know and get pleasure out of making fun of them. JUST STOP.

Queue jumpers:

GET BACK IN LINE BITCH.

Judgy McJudgersons:

Ugh. People who make other people feel this small for doing something that isn’t harming anyone. Like eating pizza with mayonnaise or wearing clothes that don’t match or the way you walk or your accent or your hair or your tattoo or what you have for lunch or the shoes you wear or basically anything that ISN’T HARMING ANYONE. Just leave the poor people alone and let them do their thing!

Scotrail:

The most pathetic excuse for a train company in the world, and big stealing bastards. Their tickets are EXTORTIONATE and you NEVER get a seat! You just curl up in the bike rack and try and eat your £3.00 meal deal in peace. Is it really so difficult for them to put out seat reservations?! EVERY OTHER TRAIN COMPANY IN THE WORLD CAN DO IT. Incompetence, thy name is SCOTRAIL.

People who talk about being on a diet while you’re eating a crisp sandwich:

KJSDHFKLSHSDJFHEWHBFKJHSBKJHSDBFKHJBSRGKJHBSRLJGSJRBGJSHGGVKHDFJVBLAKJNFVLKAJBVLKAJFNVLKJDNFVLKJNSLKJVNLKJNLKERNVLKJNFVKLJNSFDLKJBNSLKDFJNVLKSJDFNVLKJSDNFLKJNBLKSDJFNLKJSNDFLKJNSDLKFJNLKAEJRFLKJAERNGLKJENRFKLJAERLKGJNALKJGNLKANLKJERNVLAKJFNVKLJSNDFLKJBNSLKFJNVLKSDJRNVLKJDFNVKLJSDNFLKJVNDLFKJBNVKDFJNBVKADJFNSBKJDNSFKJRAGSJTBNSKDJFNGKLRJSGNBLKJFSNBLKJSNFLKGBJNGRSLKTJGNRSGIAREGKJADRNKGJNSELRKJGNKALEJRNGAEKJDFJNALKRJNRGLKAJGLKJANRGLKJAENRKGJHAERGHAKERGIERUHGIUAEHRG.

People who don’t order anything to eat and then want to eat your food:

I’ve started telling these people outright that under no circumstances are they getting any of my food. They usually look pretty shocked. I think they’re quite horrified about how selfish I’m being, but like Joey, JOSIE DOESN’T SHARE FOOD. It’s a flaw, I’m not working on it, get over it.

Oh yeah, people who just want to order a big selection of Chinese food and share it all:

No.

People who look at what I’m eating and say “ew”:

That’s rude, isn’t it? It feels rude. 

Passive-aggressive monkeys:

If you’ve got something to say, either say it outright or don’t say it at all. Being passive-aggressive is a sure way to get me NOT to do what you want.

Bad manipulators:

Please do it better. I’m much happier when I have no idea I’m being manipulated.

People who are horrible to their mum:

She gave BIRTH to you, fed you from her breast (maybe), answered your every needy whim, ALWAYS put you before herself, clothed you, educated you, loved you when no one else would so STOP taking her for granted and treating her like she’s a moron. You’re the moron.

 

MY GOD THAT FELT GOOD.

 

 

A Dilemma

A Dilemma

*First-World-Problem Alert*

Hmm. So I’m at home at the minute and…and my mum has pretty much stolen all of my books. No, not “pretty much”, she HAS stolen all of books.

I didn’t notice last night. I was too sleepy and too excited at being home. So sleepy and so excited that I skipped around the whole house and then fell fast asleep on the couch. It wasn’t until this morning that I realised that every single shelf in the house is filled with my books.

When did that happen?

I haven’t been home since Christmas so I’m guessing sometime between then and now.

Hmm.

I don’t know if I should say anything. Does she know that I’m planning on having a library room in the house of my dreams? Probably. Does she know that when that happens I will drive home in a big van and take all of my childhood and teenage books? Probably not.

I get that they were just piling up in my bedroom for no one to see and that they’re probably a lot happier in the shelves Mum has put them in, but it just means that I won’t be able to take them. Because how can I? I know I said I would, but I can’t rip them from their beloved home. If they were still in boxes and sad piles in my bedroom, they’d GLADLY come with me to my new house with a fancy library, but they’re happy where the are now and they’d only be sad and scared if I moved them. AND they wouldn’t know the books of my adult (ish) years. What if those books make fun of them or think them stupid?

For the love of god, what the hell am I talking about? You see? This is what happens when you get writer’s block. You start writing absolute shit. I’d be really impressed if you’re still reading. Really, REALLY impressed.

I’ll just stop now.

 

My Trip To Oxford: Day 1

My Trip To Oxford: Day 1

11:03 My Dad has decided to live on a canal boat for the summer, and I’ve decided to join him. Wait, that sounds like I’ve decided to join him for the summer – I should clarify that I’m only joining him for four days, although I wish it was for the summer. My brother and my sort of brother are also with him. I’ve pretty much got one book per day to get through so I’m hoping they’re not going to make me do too many drugs or drink too much alcohol. I really just want to chill, but I have a feeling that’s not going to happen.

I’m on the train right now. There’s a really grumpy lady in the seat in front of me complaining that her window’s not much of a window. I’m sitting in my window seat all like, “don’t even think about playing a travel sick card, this seat’s mine, bitch”. Although if she was to ask for the seat I would definitely give it to her without a moment’s hesitation. I’d probably apologise too.

Through the gap in the seats, I can now see her writing something about Christ on her laptop.

Christ.

In contrast, the guys sitting to the left of me have long hair and beards (well, one of them has long hair and one of them has a long beard). They’re wearing checkered shorts, colourful trainers, they’re playing Exploding Kittens (BEST game in the world), drinking cider, and when they got on the train one of them sad, “Damn, I forget to make a spliff!”

I’d say I’m somewhere in the middle (literally and figuratively) of the Jesus lady and the hippy guys.

I went a bit crazy and practically spent my month’s wages buying snacks in Marks and Spencer’s. I got salted cashew nuts, celery sticks, hummus, pork pies, salt and vinegar crisps, a big bottle of water, an iced latte, and two cans of elderflower cider. I was going to wait until after 12 to drink my cider. Or maybe I’ll wait until my second train.

I’m, dare I say it, feeling very content at the minute. I love boats, the sun is shining, I’m listening to my folk pop playlist, I’ve got a great book to read and great snacks to eat.

11.26 I can’t stop reading what this lady is writing. I think it’s an essay on some sort of book although it could very well be a sermon. Also, I’m feeling even more content right now as I just went to the toilet. Train toilets make me extremely nervous, although they’re not as bad as plane toilets. I always think that the moment I sit down on a plane toilet is the moment that the plane will plummet to the ground.

I don’t want to die on a toilet. If I have to go, then I’ll go super quick so I can die in my seat with my seat belt fastened like everyone else.

18:45 Guys, I’ve arrived and I’m sorry to say that I’m a little bit drunk already. There’s a friggin’ bull in the field we’re moored to, but apparently it’s ok because it doesn’t cost anything.

When I arrived I stared fingering something that looked really cool. I asked, “ooh, what is this?” and the boys said it was cat litter. After I got excited that there was a cat on board they told me that they used the cat litter to take the smell out of the fridge.

The boys are all happy to see me. In fact, they’ve been paying more attention to me than they ever have before in their whole entire lives. That’s what happens when you only have two people for company for two months. They’ll tire of me eventually. I’m loving it right now though. They’re laughing at all my jokes, which is really weird! Like I said, “Man, it’s nice to be here instead of the office” and my Dad said, “yeah, I don’t really know what an office is like” (bastard, just because he retired early) and then I said, “yeah, you only know what an off licence is like” and everyone laughed really hard.

It’s weird. I’m sure things will change tomorrow.

Do These Things And You Will NEVER Get A Man

Do These Things And You Will NEVER Get A Man

Wear Too Much Makeup

For the love of God, don’t make it look like you’ve made an effort. That’s a surefire way to lose a man let alone gain one. Men really hate orange faces and eyelashes clouted in mascara. They like their women to be natural. But of course, don’t actually be natural. You’ll lose them that way too. Just buy some insanely expensive foundation (if it’s for your man, it’s worth it) and dab a tiny little bit of mascara onto those lashes – enough to perk them up, but not enough to make it seem like you’re wearing mascara. Or if that’s too difficult, just go to the beautician and get some fake natural eyelashes put in.

Forget To Shave

Men are absolutely repulsed by hair in the wrong places. No matter how busy you’ve been, you should always make time for that extra 20 minutes in the shower every morning. Either that, or say goodbye to sex. Why not get permanent hair removal? It only burns, takes forever, and will cost you an entire months wage or more, but it’s totally worth it!

Have Short Hair (On The head)

Short hair is for boys. If the man you’ve got your eye on sees you with short hair then they will think you are a BOY. Forget about your face shape or what actually suits you, men love really long, luscious hair even if it drowns your beautiful face and makes you look like a stowaway. Will they get unreasonably annoyed about your long hair clogging up the plug hole and getting in their faces while you spoon? Yes, but it’s a sacrifice they’re willing to make.

Ridiculous Pinterest Hairstyles

Trying to be a little bit different? Quirky? Stand out from the norm? Don’t bother. Men think these kinds of hairstyles look horrific and they’ll get annoyed at how long you take to get ready. Men like soft curls, but again just make sure that the curls are natural. Men like hair that actually moves so wax, mousse, and hairspray are not an option.

Bold Lipstick

Bold colours should only come out on Halloween. If then. There’s SO many lovely shades of red and pink out there that why would you try and be a little bit different? Having said that, men don’t like it when your beautiful shade of red or pink lipstick gets on them, but then, you won’t bag a kiss unless you’re wearing that lipstick so we suggest you do a quick run to the ladies room right before the crucial moment. Just make sure to have your mouth covered when you come back out. In a way that’s sexy.

My Huel Weekend

My Huel Weekend

08:35 Question: I’m guessing they call Huel ‘Huel’ as some sort of reference to ‘fuel’ because I think it’s meant to fuel you. But all it makes me think of is ‘gruel’. You know that stuff that Oliver Twist has to eat? Although he does ask for some more so maybe it isn’t as bad as it sounds. Haha, just realised that when I wrote ‘question’, I didn’t actually write a question. Woops.

ANYWAY. Yes. Today I’m going to be drinking Huel. I think people think it’s some sort of protein shake, but that’s not what it is. It’s more a substitute for food. It gives you all the nutrients your body needs so it’s definitely not a diet drink – diet drinks starve you of nutrients, don’t they? It kind of sounds like it’s for people who hate eating… People who see eating as a sort of inconvenience, which is definitely NOT me. I see not eating as an inconvenience.

I’ve just had a cup of tea. I’m guessing that’s allowed? If Huel’s a substitute for meals then surely I can drink what I like? And have snacks? I’m hoping I’m allowed snacks. We’re having a rugby day at ours today so I was going to get crisps, peanuts, yummy dips, and PIZZA. Okay, pizza’s definitely not a snack. But just because I’m on a Huel diet doesn’t mean everyone else has to suffer, do they?

I’m pretty selfless like that.

12:47 Okay so I didn’t have a Huel breakfast. The thing is, I went out for a really long cycle and when I got back home I just really wanted some eggs. AND. I had some leftover salad that I needed to eat today so I thought it would be quite good to eat that with the eggs. Although actually, I didn’t end up eating the salad because I put copious amounts of olive oil and lemon juice on it last night and it was REALLY soggy this morning. I did make myself another salad though:

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Okay, this isn’t a photo of my breakfast this morning, but it was my dinner last night and it was DELICIOUS. Rocket leaves and tomatoes (dressed in copious amounts of olive oil and lemon juice and salt), fried halloumi, olives, salami and parma ham…oh god, I need to have this for dinner again tonight.

NO. I’ll have Huel. Or I’ll definitely have some tomorrow. Or maybe for lunch during the week.

12:20 I’ve found the picture of my breakfast! Check it out:

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I know what you’re thinking. You want me to come round and make poached eggs for you, don’t you? Well, I wish I could take all the credit for it, but it was really just the poaching pan I used.

People are arriving for the rugby in about 20 minutes. I’m such a good hostess. I’ve sent my boyfriend to the shops for lots of yummy food. And drink. Some of my friends REALLY like rugby. I don’t. I don’t really like watching any sport, but I do like eating yummy food and drinking. I’ve decided to drink Corona today as it hopefully won’t get me too drunk too quickly.

My boyfriend just called and said that the shop didn’t have any big variety Walkers packs, which is a shame. I normally love putting different flavours of crisps into one big bowl and then getting a surprise when you eat them. Don’t get me wrong, it can sometimes be disappointing when you get a boring plain crisp, but the mixture of cheese and onion with salt and vinegar is DEVINE. It’s like the whole sweet and sour kind of thing.

I better run and make sure the flat is semi-presentable. I don’t know why I said that because I already know it is. I stayed in last night, drank some wine and watched a beastin’ romcom. And then I tidied up my mess and did the dishes.

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Hostess SKILLZ.
Sunday 11:21 So I’ve decided that this blog is now a ‘Huel Weekend’ type of thing since people arrived yesterday, the drink was flowing, and the words weren’t. Aww man, people brought so many snacks! It was insane! Crisps, peanuts, dip, cheese twists, chocolate, and even apples! Because I’ve been trying to be really good recently, I just sort of cracked and ate all the salty food. No regrets. It was so good. Oh and then at about 9 o’ clock I ate an apple so I had a pretty balanced day.

So…you may have heard that Scotland won? THEY WON!!!!!!!!!!! I actually don’t care all that much, but my boyfriend and some of our friends were really happy and happiness is kind of infectious. I had to run to Sainsbury’s at one point to get some more alcohol. There’s a Spanish girl who works there (I sort of love her) and she was saying it had been such a busy day. So many people were coming in drunk and speaking Mexican to her. She said that she was saving up all her Sainsbury’s stories for a book.

Later on in the evening, my boyfriend had to run to the nearest chipper with a detailed order from myself and our friends. I decided to change things up and NOT go for a sausage supper. Instead, I went for one smoked sausage with onion rings. Apparently the people who worked in the chipper were really confused about the order. At every stage of the order they would say, “with ONION RINGS?!”. I don’t know why more people don’t order it. It was delicious.

So as you can probably gather, I didn’t have any Huel yesterday, but I DID have it for breakfast this morning!!!!!

It was GROSS.

I feel kind of bad saying that because a friend got me this big bag of Huel for my birthday. Sorry Noel. I am going to “eat” it all, but I just don’t think I could have it as a substitute for every meal. I would go insane. Although I don’t think that’s how you’re necessarily meant to use it. I think you can just substitute it for whatever meal whenever. I’m going to have it for lunch at work. I normally always work through my lunch so Huel would make that nice and easy. I just love food too much to have it substitute every meal. I know Huel is good because it gives you all the nutrients your body needs, but I don’t have a problem with nutrients. I actually LOVE healthy food. I love all kinds of food.

Well, apart from fruit. I hate fruit.

 

 

 

Psychopaths, Bikes, and Soup

Psychopaths, Bikes, and Soup

Yep, that’s pretty much been my life for the last couple of weeks. I’ve been having a LOT of soup in a desperate attempt to rid my body of the excess fat it’s gained. What the hell happens to bodies in their 20s?!?!?! I used to be able to eat WHATEVER I wanted, but now the weight is just piling on! I mean, it’s probably all the sausage suppers. And the crisps. But no, my point is that I used to eat all the sausage suppers and crisps in the world and it made no difference to my weight.

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Storm Doris. And my legs. 

Getting older sucks, doesn’t it? Is it really just downhill from here?

The thing is, I know it isn’t. I think your body goes, you get wrinkles, there’s fat on your thighs THAT JUST WON’T BUDGE, but emotionally you probably get better as you get older, don’t you? Like, you’d become more confident in yourself and stuff? You don’t care so much about what people think about you.

I’m sorry. I have a feeling this is going to be a crap, rambling post. I blame P.M.T.

Speaking of the menstrual cycle, I just downloaded a period tracker app for my phone. It feels a bit suffocating to be honest. My next period’s just blaring out of the calendar in dark red numbers. It’s like it’s mocking me. If it could talk it would say, “I’m coming for you, you can’t hide from me, I will find you and I WILL destroy you”. It’s basically Slapsgiving. Yeah, that’s exactly what it is: Slapsgiving.

I just read The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson. I enjoyed it, although I got a bit worried that I was a psychopath. Well, it’s sort of strange because I wasn’t worrying that I was a psychopath, but then there was a passage that went, ‘Oh by the way, if you’re worrying that you might be a psychopath then that means that you are definitely NOT a psychopath’ so then I thought Shit, I haven’t been worrying that I’m a psychopath so does that mean  that I actually am one?!?!?!?!?!?! But then I calmed down. It’s weird. I’m the kind of person who’ll read symptoms and then be like, “YES THAT’S SO ME”. Like I’m listening to ‘The Guilty Feminist’ at the minute and I finally feel like I know what I am (although deep down I know I’m actually just guilty). But with psychopaths, I haven’t been able to relate at all. I know – it’s crazy, isn’t it?! And you know why I can’t relate? Amygdala. Psychopaths don’t have enough of this chemical and anxious people have TOO much of it. So that’s nice, isn’t it?

Every cloud.

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Psychopaths and Weetos.

Oh and speaking of ‘The Guilty Feminist’, I would just like to point out that I don’t MIND my extra weight…I’m totally comfortable with my body shape.

OKAY YOU GOT ME I HATE IT. I JUST WISH I COULD EAT ALL THE FOOD AND BE A SIZE 8 AT THE SAME TIME. AND BE TALLER. AND HAVE EYES THE SAME COLOUR. AND SMALLER CANKLES.

God, I am a TERRIBLE feminist. I told you I was just guilty! I guess the point is that I KNOW I should be okay with my shape and I’m working on it. I mean, there are some benefits to being a bit bigger. No one can give me birthday bumps anymore.

That’s nice.

Bikes. Bikes. Bikes. Bikes. The greatest thing to have happened to me since sliced bread and full fat butter. Bikes! Having a bike has been SO good. I love it. I feel like I’m ten years old again (well, apart from when I have to go up steep hills). Cycling to work puts me in such a good mood in the morning!  And now I have a BASKET. I don’t really have anything to put in my basket though. I normally just throw an extra scarf in there or something. And lip balm.

I’m going to go and check on my bike now.

 

My Vegan Sunday

My Vegan Sunday

11:03 Ooft. I’m feeling a little hungover today, but I’m definitely not as bad as last weekend. Maybe being vegan helps your hangovers? This diet’s just getting better and better!

I’m watching Rick Stein’s Long Weekends at the minute and it’s my new favourite TV programme. I just love Rick Stein, I love his attitude to food, I love his way with people, I love his LIFE. Get this: he gets to travel around Europe, eat amazing food, and meet lots of amazing people who love food as much as him!!!!! HOW is that a job?! I really hope that he reads my blog one day and that he’ll love it so much that he’ll invite me onto his TV show. Maybe I can travel around with him and write about all the food we try and all the food he makes? He’d be getting a really good deal. He wouldn’t have to pay me (as long as he funded my accommodation) and I’d be like his own personal, positive food critic. I KNOW I wouldn’t have a bad word to say about any of his food. And I have a feeling we’d get on really well as well. We both share the same love of FAT and SALT and all of that delicious good stuff. And! He’s up a hill at the minute and he’s really scared because he doesn’t like heights. I’m pretty sure this dude is a long-lost uncle or something.

Rick, if you’re reading this, PLEASE TAKE ME ON YOUR FOOD TRAVELS YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED I PROMISE YOU.

Anyway. Because I’m a little hungover, I really fancied something a bit greasy and fatty for breakfast so I fried up some mushrooms (this time they were in date) and some potato scones, and I ate them with a big dollop of ketchup:

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FUCKING YUM.

It was delicious and it made me really, really, really, really, really happy.

OKAY, Rick is currently in a hot spring in Iceland and someone is literally feeding him lots of lovely food from the edge of the spring. He is also drinking champagne. That jammy bugger.

12:46 Like Rick, I take pride in the fact that I can pretty much eat anything. I may not like everything, but I sure can eat anything, and sometimes, I can even teach myself to like something. Today, however, I just wish this bravery I have when it comes to food could maybe be transferred into something else. Food and water sports – that’s all I can do. ANYTHING else (and I really do mean anything) tends to strike me with the fear of god.

This is basically just a roundabout way of saying that my first cycle in a city was TERRIFYING.

I grew up in the middle of nowhere. I’m not used to there being more than one car on the road at any given time, I’m not used to traffic lights or lanes, and I’m not used to there being so much people around ALL the time. But having said that, there was a little bit of the cycle that I really enjoyed. I haven’t been on a bike in so long and I forgot how much fun it is! I felt like I was ten years old again! So I really loved pottering around the streets near my flat, but then I came to a busy road and things started to get scary. Basically, I couldn’t make it to work. I tried to find the Water of Leith, but failed, I almost ran over a dog, I almost got ran over myself, and my helmet fell off.

BUT I’M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP.

I’m just going to get on my bike tomorrow and cycle to work on the main road. It’s really not that bad a road and at least I know exactly where I’m going. I’m going to do it. I am. But for now, I’m going to make some guacamole and drown my sorrows in it. I’m also going to have some bread. It’s the weekend and I want my carbs.

19:15 The guacamole wasn’t that nice. I used a lemon that was really old so I’m wondering if that made it taste a little funny? It didn’t stop me from eating all of it though:

After that, I fell asleep again. I swear it’s all I tend to do at the weekend. I’m currently making the curry I was planning on making yesterday. I’m not sure how it’s going to go. I didn’t have a casserole dish so couldn’t put it in the oven, but I don’t think that should be too much of a problem.

20:09 (Monday). The curry was really good! It had aubergine in it and I just LOVE that vegetable. I really want to get a deep fat fryer so I can deep fat fry some aubergine. I don’t know why, but I just think that would be SO DELICIOUS. Aww man, I can’t stop thinking about aubergine. Mmmm…aubergine. Anyway, the curry:

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I was glad it turned out okay because I was in a terrible mood while I was making it. I think my nap put me in a bad mood. I just woke up grumpy. My poor boyfriend came into the kitchen while I was cooking and tried to stir the curry, but I was just like, ‘WHAT are you doing? It’s FINE’. But then he pulled a funny ‘You’re acting really crazy and I’m scared’ kind of face, which made me laugh and everything was grand after that.

So there you have it! My vegan Sunday consisted of:

3x potato scones

5x(?) mushrooms

1x guacamole

2x slices of brown, seeded bread

2x teaspoons(?) hummus

1x butternut squash and aubergine curry with pilau rice

3x bites of nan bread

I did it!!!!!

Well, apart from the cups of tea. And yes, I did say cups. Even after I realised my mistake with the milk I just carried on making the same mistake ALL weekend. Girl gotta have milky tea.

AND OKAY I ALSO HAD 3 LINDOR CHOCOLATE THINGS. I’M SORRY.