I used to write lists about things I wanted to achieve in life allll the time and I don’t think I ever managed to tick one thing off them. Seriously, like New Years resolutions, these lists are depressing. You feel like you’re not doing enough so you write a list and yeah, this makes you feel better for a wee while, but then when nothing is achieved on that list, you feel even worse about yourself. This is what happens with me anyway. Therefore, I’m going to write an Anti-Bucket List, things I Don’t want to achieve and so if I’m in the lucky position of dying of old age, I can look back over my life and be thankful for all those things that didn’t happen. And so here goes…
1) I do not want to give birth to a murderer.
Let’s Talk About Kevin reeeeeally freaked me out. I’ve always thought I’d quite like kids when I’m older, but this book has made me think twice. I mean, how on earth do the mothers of murderers cope?! What happens to their unconditional love? Do they blame themselves and the way they brought their child up? Everyone expects to love their child and feel that bond, but what if you don’t? What if your child is EVIL? Luckily for me, I haven’t had to deal with this as of yet.
2) I do not want to climb Mount Everest.
I feel dizzy enough at big heights when I see them on the telly so I don’t think I could handle Mount Everest. I also don’t like being cold. And hill walking boots have never agreed with me. And I don’t care that the only thing people will remember me by, “is the ass print in this chair!”
3) I do not want to swim with sharks.
Some people think that conditioning doesn’t affect the way you grow up, but I’m pretty sure that my dad letting me watch Jaws when I was five has been the cause of my dreaded fear of sharks. The only positive thing I can see about swimming with sharks is the thrill you get afterwards, but I don’t think I would get to experience that thrill because I would have probably already died of fright.
4) I don’t want to sleep under the stars in a dessert.
Nuh uh, no way. First of all, sleeping in a dessert would mean I would have to wake up in a dessert and I’ve heard those places can be quite hot during the day. I’ve also heard they have snakes and so I’d have to keep one eye open all night and that doesn’t sound very refreshing. Camels look dodgy as well.
5) I do not want to move to a foreign country by myself.
I could do this with someone else, I think, but by myself, I would just be completely lost. I would miss my friends and family too much, be lonely, and would die without irn bru when I’m hungover.
6) I do not want to meditate.
I would literally just sit there and worry about accidentally farting. And I don’t think that would help me achieve inner peace.
7) I do not want to run for parliament.
HA! Imagine me in parliament.
8) I do not want to sky dive.
I’ve heard great reviews about sky diving and seen great videos, but it just sounds like pretending you’re in a plane crash to me.
9) I do not want to dance on a stage, drunk.
This is actually something I’ve attempted twice and both times I ended up crying because the bouncers told me off. I always was a sissy.
10) I do not want to enter an all you can eat hot dog contest.
Wait, yes I do, that would be AWESOME!
And so there’s some of the things on my Anti-Bucket list and phew, it’s refreshing admitting the things you’re just never going to do. I do realise that this might be a bit pessimistic, but you know what? My Bucket’s a little lighter now and there’s more room for things that there’s actually a chance of me doing.
(Oh holy hell, there’s still a chance that I could give birth to a murderer.)