I’ve been spending sometime up at my Dad’s recently since he’s got a new, vapour, electric pipe thing that doesn’t stink out my work clothes and also because I think a mouse died under my Mum’s sink, meaning I couldn’t get to the fairy liquid and so couldn’t do the dishes and mess make me nervous. The thought of the dead mouse was also making me nervous. I really don’t like dead things, however small they are. When I sweep up the shop at the end of the night, I let all the little bugs go free (don’t tell the customers) because I like dead things even less if I’ve killed them (if their life’s so insignificant, who’s to say mine isn’t? Hmm, I actually think this is a Buddhist’s way of thinking. Huh, maybe I’m a Buddhist).
So anyway, yesterday I decided to go back to my Mum’s because she had checked under the sink and had assured me there was no wee dead mousie (oh timorous beastie) there. I was also in need of food other than fried eggs and pork belly. Although, pork belly is DELICIOUS (not a Buddhist, then). So there I was, having a whale of a time back at Mum’s, reading my book and eating coffee mousse, when my step-mum (who’s abroad at the minute) contacted me to ask me something about my size (new dress? NEW DRESS?!) and then casually slipped in that she’d been trying to get ahold of Dad all day, but that there had been no answer.
“No worries, I’ll try him again tomorrow. See you!”
So simple, so breezy, so “no worries” – is that what it’s like in the mind of a normal person? Because I was freaking OUT. The only logical explanation I could fathom as to why he wasn’t answering his phone was that he was DEAD. My rational – I like to think that the rational part of my mind looks like this:
– and irrational – I like to think that the irrational part of my mind looks like this:
– argued it out:
OH MY GOD, HE’S DEAD.
It’s Dad. He’s probably just having one of those days where he doesn’t want to talk to anyone.
But he answered the phone ALL day yesterday! Why wouldn’t he answer it today?! He must be dead!!!!
You’ve just answered your own question: he’s not answering today BECAUSE he answered the phone all day yesterday. He wants a break. And remember what he said the last time it rang? “That bloody phone has been going all bloody day”. It’s definitely one of his not-answering-phone-days.
But Marina’s away – surely he’d want to hear from her? See if she got there safely and is having a good time? He must have had a heart attack and DIIIIIIIIIED!!!!!
Do you know your father BUT AT ALL? He never checks up on his wives.
But he checked up on me that one time!!
That’s because you are a raging lunatic who phones your family far too much so when he hadn’t heard from you in two weeks, he naturally thought something was up.
No, I don’t believe you. And what if I do actually listen to you, forget about it and go to bed, and he really is lying up there all by himself in desperate need of help! I will NEVER forgive you. And you know how unhealthy he is, I can’t believe you’re not more worried. You should be ASHAMED.
So, needless to say, the irrational won and after a slightly healthier, although futile, argument with my mum – “Josie, I was with your Dad for twenty years, he never answers his phone” – I drove (like a maniac on prozac, with mental images of the tea and toast I made him that morning lying congealed and untouched) to his house at half past midnight.
And yep, he’d unplugged the phone. So please, PLEASE, Mr Black Cat, if you could just become a tad more powerful and suppress the crazy, I’d be ever so grateful.