09:28 Morning, everyone! Or well, by the time you read this it might not be morning. Okay…
09:28 [insert time of day here], everyone! I’ve got lots of plans for today. I want to research the Atkins diet (yeah, yeah sing a different tune), make some soup for the coming week, write a bit of my novel, order one of those phone tripod things so I can do some filming while cooking, read my book, and go for a run.
First things first, I don’t think I’m going to go for a run. I’ve done enough exercise this week and my period arrived this morning, which is just the perfect excuse to lie on the couch all day with a hot water bottle. Mother nature’s actually been kind to me this month – I can’t remember the last time my period started at the weekend. It’s nearly always, always, always at work, which is FINE, but I don’t have a hot water bottle at work. And well, when you feel a bit poop you just want to be at home, don’t you?
FUNNY STORY: When I was twelve, my auntie got me a vibrating hot water bottle to help with menstrual cramps. I opened this (very thoughtful) present in front of my granny, my mum, and my three other aunties. I was a little embarrassed so distracted myself with taking off the hot water bottle’s tag. I went to pull it off with my teeth so I could hide my face a bit more, but because I was wearing braces, the tag got stuck and I ended up pulling out the vibrating device, which, um, did not unresemble a dildo. Even worse, my pulling on it turned the vibrating device on so I basically had a VIBRATOR hanging from my teeth. My female family members COLLAPSED on the floor laughing, and I kind of knew why, but also I didn’t really know why (I grew up in the middle of nowhere and I blame that on my complete lack of sexual knowledge).
Needless to say, I found that vibrating hot water bottle to be very helpful in the coming years. Very helpful.
FOOD, FOOD, FOOD. THIS BLOG IS MEANT TO BE ABOUT FOOD.
I haven’t eaten anything yet. I have, however, drank three cups of tea. They were nice.
12:09 Since I last wrote, I have had a cup of coffee. I put some hot chocolate in it as well, which made it nice and tasty. I still haven’t eaten anything, but I HAVE made my first cooking video. Or well, my flat-mate is cooking me breakfast and I filmed a little bit of it:
[There was a video here, but my flat-mate asked me to take it down for reasons I’m not allowed to convey.]
SHE HAS A MASSIVE SPOT!
13:16 It was a really tasty breakfast. I mean, you just can’t fail with eggs and sausages. Eggs are the main reason that I could probably never go vegan. Well, eggs and cheese, but mostly eggs. I just don’t know what my life would be without them! I love them fried, boiled, scrambled, poached, coddled…
What even are coddled eggs?
16:07 Guys, the Atkins diet actually sounds really good! I mean, you’re still allowed to eat all of the good stuff like oil and butter and eggs and MEAT and cheese! And after a week of not eating many carbs, I can honestly say that I’ve been feeling so much better. I’ve hardly been bloated – in fact, the only time I’ve been bloated this week was last night and that was because I ate a tonne of sweets for the first time in a while (when I say a “while”, I mean five days).
Oh, that’s another thing. I really have drastically failed this weekend’s diet and it’s all down to ignorance. I really should have done my research. Apparently, you can’t eat sweets! I just didn’t think that sweets were carbohydrates. But I was WRONG. Damnit. I’m going to be better next weekend, I really am.
I’m making some sweet potato soup this afternoon. The veg is currently roasting in the oven.
It’s for my lunch at work this week. I know it’s not the healthiest of vegetables out there, but I had broccoli soup ALL of last week so I thought I deserved a wee treat. And my colleagues will probably appreciate the office not smelling like a prison cafeteria.
18:24 Guys, the period shakes have hit and I want nothing more than a big fat smothered-in-butter crisp sandwich. I can’t stop thinking about bread. And butter. And crisps. And crisp sandwiches.
I walked to Tesco to get my steps up. The part of the walk I enjoyed the most was getting to listen to my new favourite podcast, The Banging Bookclub. Today they were discussing Lolita, which I’ve never read. I’ve heard a lot about it though. Well, I’ve heard a lot of the same thing about it: “You’re, like, TOTALLY on the narrator’s side, you know? You really sympathise with him, which is SCARY.” I would like to read it just to see if this actually happens. The girls on the podcast said it didn’t happen to them, that they hated the narrator. As soon as I’ve read it, I’ll let you know what side I’m on. I have a feeling I’ll be bang smack in the middle.
Oh, and the part of the walk I enjoyed the least was all the people I encountered. Sunday’s are busy and not good for my street rage.
18:53 Just had this conversation with the BF:
BF: Shall we just eat the rest of Lisa’s pizza?
Me: Yes! Or we could go and get our own pizzas?
Me: Yeah, and we can just eat the other food tomorrow?
BF: NO, THAT WAS A TEST AND YOU FAILED.
BF: But actually, I would quite like some pizza.
Me: Yeah! Shall we go get some?
BF: NO, THAT WAS ANOTHER TEST.
I think my next blog will be about what to eat during a break-up.
19:58 Okay, that’s the Atkins weekend officially OVER. We had steak and salad for dinner:
My boyfriend made it and I had asked him if I could just have the steak as I had had ENOUGH of salad, but apparently that’s not a suitable dinner. But I’m actually glad he chose to totally ignore me as the steak went really nicely with the salad (and the gallons of mayonnaise).
So there you have it. My second day of the Atkins diet consisted of:
1x square sausage
78272983757368762154193203582762635x Quality Streets
I have a confession to make: I carried on eating the Quality Streets even after I found out that they were carbohydrates.
So what have I learned from my Atkins weekend? Well, I’ve learned that I’m a fraud, I’ve learned that I’m a cheat, and I’ve learned that I’m a failure.
Can I blame my period?