My Trip To Oxford: Day 1

My Trip To Oxford: Day 1

11:03 My Dad has decided to live on a canal boat for the summer, and I’ve decided to join him. Wait, that sounds like I’ve decided to join him for the summer – I should clarify that I’m only joining him for four days, although I wish it was for the summer. My brother and my sort of brother are also with him. I’ve pretty much got one book per day to get through so I’m hoping they’re not going to make me do too many drugs or drink too much alcohol. I really just want to chill, but I have a feeling that’s not going to happen.

I’m on the train right now. There’s a really grumpy lady in the seat in front of me complaining that her window’s not much of a window. I’m sitting in my window seat all like, “don’t even think about playing a travel sick card, this seat’s mine, bitch”. Although if she was to ask for the seat I would definitely give it to her without a moment’s hesitation. I’d probably apologise too.

Through the gap in the seats, I can now see her writing something about Christ on her laptop.


In contrast, the guys sitting to the left of me have long hair and beards (well, one of them has long hair and one of them has a long beard). They’re wearing checkered shorts, colourful trainers, they’re playing Exploding Kittens (BEST game in the world), drinking cider, and when they got on the train one of them sad, “Damn, I forget to make a spliff!”

I’d say I’m somewhere in the middle (literally and figuratively) of the Jesus lady and the hippy guys.

I went a bit crazy and practically spent my month’s wages buying snacks in Marks and Spencer’s. I got salted cashew nuts, celery sticks, hummus, pork pies, salt and vinegar crisps, a big bottle of water, an iced latte, and two cans of elderflower cider. I was going to wait until after 12 to drink my cider. Or maybe I’ll wait until my second train.

I’m, dare I say it, feeling very content at the minute. I love boats, the sun is shining, I’m listening to my folk pop playlist, I’ve got a great book to read and great snacks to eat.

11.26 I can’t stop reading what this lady is writing. I think it’s an essay on some sort of book although it could very well be a sermon. Also, I’m feeling even more content right now as I just went to the toilet. Train toilets make me extremely nervous, although they’re not as bad as plane toilets. I always think that the moment I sit down on a plane toilet is the moment that the plane will plummet to the ground.

I don’t want to die on a toilet. If I have to go, then I’ll go super quick so I can die in my seat with my seat belt fastened like everyone else.

18:45 Guys, I’ve arrived and I’m sorry to say that I’m a little bit drunk already. There’s a friggin’ bull in the field we’re moored to, but apparently it’s ok because it doesn’t cost anything.

When I arrived I stared fingering something that looked really cool. I asked, “ooh, what is this?” and the boys said it was cat litter. After I got excited that there was a cat on board they told me that they used the cat litter to take the smell out of the fridge.

The boys are all happy to see me. In fact, they’ve been paying more attention to me than they ever have before in their whole entire lives. That’s what happens when you only have two people for company for two months. They’ll tire of me eventually. I’m loving it right now though. They’re laughing at all my jokes, which is really weird! Like I said, “Man, it’s nice to be here instead of the office” and my Dad said, “yeah, I don’t really know what an office is like” (bastard, just because he retired early) and then I said, “yeah, you only know what an off licence is like” and everyone laughed really hard.

It’s weird. I’m sure things will change tomorrow.

The Atkins Sunday

The Atkins Sunday

09:28 Morning, everyone! Or well, by the time you read this it might not be morning. Okay…

09:28 [insert time of day here], everyone! I’ve got lots of plans for today. I want to research the Atkins diet (yeah, yeah sing a different tune), make some soup for the coming week, write a bit of my novel, order one of those phone tripod things so I can do some filming while cooking, read my book, and go for a run.

First things first, I don’t think I’m going to go for a run. I’ve done enough exercise this week and my period arrived this morning, which is just the perfect excuse to lie on the couch all day with a hot water bottle. Mother nature’s actually been kind to me this month – I can’t remember the last time my period started at the weekend. It’s nearly always, always, always at work, which is FINE, but I don’t have a hot water bottle at work. And well, when you feel a bit poop you just want to be at home, don’t you?

FUNNY STORY: When I was twelve, my auntie got me a vibrating hot water bottle to help with menstrual cramps. I opened this (very thoughtful) present in front of my granny, my mum, and my three other aunties. I was a little embarrassed so distracted myself with taking off the hot water bottle’s tag. I went to pull it off with my teeth so I could hide my face a bit more, but because I was wearing braces, the tag got stuck and I ended up pulling out the vibrating device, which, um, did not unresemble a dildo. Even worse, my pulling on it turned the vibrating device on so I basically had a VIBRATOR hanging from my teeth. My female family members COLLAPSED on the floor laughing, and I kind of knew why, but also I didn’t really know why (I grew up in the middle of nowhere and I blame that on my complete lack of sexual knowledge).

Needless to say, I found that vibrating hot water bottle to be very helpful in the coming years. Very helpful.


I haven’t eaten anything yet. I have, however, drank three cups of tea. They were nice.


12:09 Since I last wrote, I have had a cup of coffee. I put some hot chocolate in it as well, which made it nice and tasty. I still haven’t eaten anything, but I HAVE made my first cooking video. Or well, my flat-mate is cooking me breakfast and I filmed a little bit of it:

[There was a video here, but my flat-mate asked me to take it down for reasons I’m not allowed to convey.]


Wait, what?

13:16 It was a really tasty breakfast. I mean, you just can’t fail with eggs and sausages. Eggs are the main reason that I could probably never go vegan. Well, eggs and cheese, but mostly eggs. I just don’t know what my life would be without them! I love them fried, boiled, scrambled, poached, coddled…

What even are coddled eggs?

16:07 Guys, the Atkins diet actually sounds really good! I mean, you’re still allowed to eat all of the good stuff like oil and butter and eggs and MEAT and cheese! And after a week of not eating many carbs, I can honestly say that I’ve been feeling so much better. I’ve hardly been bloated – in fact, the only time I’ve been bloated this week was last night and that was because I ate a tonne of sweets for the first time in a while (when I say a “while”, I mean five days).

Oh, that’s another thing. I really have drastically failed this weekend’s diet and it’s all down to ignorance. I really should have done my research. Apparently, you can’t eat sweets! I just didn’t think that sweets were carbohydrates. But I was WRONG. Damnit. I’m going to be better next weekend, I really am.

I’m making some sweet potato soup this afternoon. The veg is currently roasting in the oven.

YAMS! (And carrots).

It’s for my lunch at work this week. I know it’s not the healthiest of vegetables out there, but I had broccoli soup ALL of last week so I thought I deserved a wee treat. And my colleagues will probably appreciate the office not smelling like a prison cafeteria.

18:24 Guys, the period shakes have hit and I want nothing more than a big fat smothered-in-butter crisp sandwich. I can’t stop thinking about bread. And butter. And crisps. And crisp sandwiches.

I walked to Tesco to get my steps up. The part of the walk I enjoyed the most was getting to listen to my new favourite podcast, The Banging Bookclub. Today they were discussing Lolita, which I’ve never read. I’ve heard a lot about it though. Well, I’ve heard a lot of the same thing about it: “You’re, like, TOTALLY on the narrator’s side, you know? You really sympathise with him, which is SCARY.” I would like to read it just to see if this actually happens. The girls on the podcast said it didn’t happen to them, that they hated the narrator. As soon as I’ve read it, I’ll let you know what side I’m on. I have a feeling I’ll be bang smack in the middle.

Oh, and the part of the walk I enjoyed the least was all the people I encountered. Sunday’s are busy and not good for my street rage.

18:53 Just had this conversation with the BF:

BF: Shall we just eat the rest of Lisa’s pizza?

Me: Yes! Or we could go and get our own pizzas?

BF: Yeah?

Me: Yeah, and we can just eat the other food tomorrow?


Me: Awwwwwwwwwww.

BF: But actually, I would quite like some pizza.

Me: Yeah! Shall we go get some?


I think my next blog will be about what to eat during a break-up.

19:58 Okay, that’s the Atkins weekend officially OVER. We had steak and salad for dinner:


My boyfriend made it and I had asked him if I could just have the steak as I had had ENOUGH of salad, but apparently that’s not a suitable dinner. But I’m actually glad he chose to totally ignore me as the steak went really nicely with the salad (and the gallons of mayonnaise).

So there you have it. My second day of the Atkins diet consisted of:

2x eggs

1x square sausage

1x steak

1x salad

78272983757368762154193203582762635x Quality Streets

I have a confession to make: I carried on eating the Quality Streets even after I found out that they were carbohydrates.

So what have I learned from my Atkins weekend? Well, I’ve learned that I’m a fraud, I’ve learned that I’m a cheat, and I’ve learned that I’m a failure.

Can I blame my period?

The Atkins Saturday

The Atkins Saturday

10:46 Okay so this weekend was really meant to be the Vegan weekend, but social gatherings have got in the way – THAT’S RIGHT I HAVE FRIENDS. A couple of friends from work are coming over tonight to watch The Jinx, a true crime documentary which is apparently even better than Making a Murderer AND Serial. This is a BIG statement. I mean, Making a Murderer was good, but it’s definitely a little biased towards portraying Steven’s innocence whereas Serial IS THE MOST AMAZING TRUE CRIME DOCUMENTARY IN THE WORLD. Sarah Koenig remains totally unbiased throughout the whole series and at the end you just have no idea whether or not Adnan is innocent!!

Oops, this blog is meant to be about food.

So I haven’t really done much reading into the whole Atkins thing – I’m planning on doing that this afternoon – so I’m not sure what the benefits are, but I do know that I’m not allowed to eat any carbs. This shouldn’t be too hard as I’ve been trying to do that anyway as carbs don’t really agree with me PLUS it means I get to have sausages and eggs for breakfast!!!!

I’m going for a run first though (got to get those steps up) and I’m already quite hungry so I had a wee tangerine (the tangerine is actually my flat-mate’s. I’m a terrible person. I’ve also been stealing her coats all week – they’re SO nice).

I forgot to take a before photo.

OH I haven’t told you why I had to change to the Atkins diet this weekend. Well, I have ANOTHER friend at work whose boyfriend is vegan and they’ve invited me around for a nice vegan dinner, but they couldn’t do this weekend (because they’re only drinking milkshakes – January, what’s it like, eh?) so I said I would gladly swap my diets around. And then the other friends who are coming around tonight wanted to get a takeaway so I figured I could just get a curry without the rice or nan… That’d be alright won’t it?

I’ll do some research.

14:18 So I still haven’t done any research on the Atkins diet. Basically everything I know about it is from Gavin and Stacey. You know that bit where Pam sits down to have dinner with Gavin and Michael? They’ve got Steak, chips, and peas, and because Pam is on the Atkins diet she substitutes hers chips for another steak so she ends up with two steaks on her plate. “You’re eating ‘alf a cow, woman!”. LOL (like really – I’m laughing out loud right now). In my opinion, it’s one of the funniest bits of Gavin and Stacey, and I think it’s because I can really relate to Pam. Whenever I’m on a dietfor everything I’m not allowed to eat, I double the amount of what I am allowed.

And I wonder why losing weight is so hard…

I am hoping to do some research on the diet later (is this what I’m going to say every weekend?), but at least I’ve got the jist of it. So far I really like it. I had two eggs and two square sausages smothered in brown sauce for breakfast, which was delicious. It was after my run as well so I was really hungry.

QUESTION: How come NO ONE looks red and sweaty when they go out for a run?!?!?!

This is what I look like.

Actually, I really don’t think this photo shows just how red and sweaty I get. I’ll try and get a better one next time. I guess it’s just because I’m really, really, really unfit. I mean, my main hobbies include eating, reading, writing, and watching TV. And sleeping. And going to the pub.

God this must be the worst food blog in the world.

15:59 For lunch I had celery, carrots, peppers, and hummus. It was alright, I guess:


This reason it was just “alright” is that I’ve been having this all week so today it just felt a little boring. It’s WAY tastier at work. I wonder why that is? Even yesterday it was delicious. ANYWAY. The hummus is homemade – I followed Jamie Oliver’s recipe, or well, I tried to follow it. To be honest, I totally suck at following any kind of instruction. Like, when Jamie said to use one garlic clove, I thought three would definitely be better. So I got three cloves out of the cupboard, but two out of the three were like twin cloves so really I put FIVE cloves of garlic into my hummus (I thought the two extra cloves was just a sign that it needed a bit more). Then I added two extra tablespoons of olive oil (just love the stuff), and instead of using three tablespoons of lemon juice, I used a whole lemon (which is definitely a lot more than three tablespoons). I put in less tahini because it smelled like peanut butter. Maybe I should properly write out these recipes? Maybe next time. Not to rain on Jamie’s parade or anything, but my hummus tasted particularly delicious.

I might write to him.

*Side note* Have you ever ate carrots and celery in an office? I’ve never been more self-conscious of crunching in my life.

22:39 Wow, I’m really not good at writing at night. It took me about five minutes to write that sentence. I should really keep this brief. But also, I’m a little shell-shocked after watching The Jinx. If you haven’t seen it and if you love true crime documentaries then go and watch it now. My friend was NOT lying when she said that it was even better than Making a Murderer and Serial. 

Seriously, it’s really is weird writing at night. It feels a lot more melancholy for some reason. I remember there was one night when I was staying at my Granny’s and I couldn’t sleep because I was feeling really nervous about something so I took out my computer and wrote a blog about it. My Granny, however, didn’t have any internet so I had to publish the blog the next morning. When I actually read over it the next morning though, I deleted it STRAIGHT AWAY. It’s like they say in How I Met Your Mother – “nothing good comes after two o’ clock in the morning”.

They speak the truth.

I think I failed the food blog today. Well, I guess my breakfast and lunch weren’t too bad, but for dinner I just had two battered sausages:


Now I know what you’re thinking – there’s chips (a.k.a CARBOHYDRATES) on top of those sausages. I actually asked for just the sausages, but alas the food diet gods wanted to challenge me. And challenge me they did. I welled up a little when I picked off the chips and offered them to my friends (very rarely do I share food).

So there you have it! My first day of the Atkins diet consisted of:

1x tangerine

2x poached eggs

1x square sausage

2x celery sticks

1x carrot

1x yellow pepper

2x battered sausgaes

(and 3x Galaxy Caramel blocks, 2x Quality Street Strawberry Creams, and 1x Quality Street Fudge)

ALSO did you know that carbohydrates are actually in EVERYTHING?! I mean, I’m assuming they were in the batter of the battered sausages, but apparently the Atkins diet is just a LOW carb diet so I think I’m good.

Right, I just took my bra off. This day is OVER.

New Year, New Crazy Weird Food Blog!

New Year, New Crazy Weird Food Blog!


Happy new year, everyone! Did you all have a good holiday? Lots of fun, laughter, general merriment, drunkenness, hugs with friends, fights with the family?

I had a lovely time off. Well, despite my mum telling me that my legs had got really fat and then waking up to a Fitbit on Christmas morning. A FITBIT. There couldn’t be another present out there that isn’t anymore unlike me (does that make sense? I’m not really sure…). Although it’s actually turned out that my mum knows me better than myself (yet again) as I’ve really enjoyed having it. I get really depressed when I don’t make the average amount of steps so I’ve started going for long walks and/or runs. My Fitbit also tells me how many calories I’ve burned, which is a mega boost. Did you know that your body burns about 14oo calories just by staying alive? How awesome is that? So you can sit on the couch all day and perfectly justify having another packet of crips. That is so my kind of fitness!

Anyway (New Year’s Resolution Number 1: stop rambling on and just get to the point), I’ve decided to write a new kind of blog. AND I KNOW I KNOW I’VE DONE THIS BEFORE AND JUST GIVEN UP LIKE A HOPELESS DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING WHO CAN’T COMITT TO A SINGLE THING, but this time I’m really going to stick with it.


(I mean I might still cave, but I’m really, really, really going to try not to).

So what is it? Well, for about three months I’m going to try a different fad diet every weekend. I thought about doing it for a week, but then I thought I’ve got to have a realistic goal. There’s no WAY I’d stick a week eating nothing but ‘Prison Loaf’ (yes it’s an actual diet, yes it’s horrifying, and yes it’s on my list). I’ll document each day and each thing I eat and I might even make videos like those Tasty videos – although obviously I’ll have to call my videos ‘Disgusting’.

The Plan:

7th – 8th January: Vegan Weekend (nuts and stuff).

14th – 15th January: Russian Weekend (strange jelly food).

21st – 22nd January: Atkins Weekend (NO CARBS OMG).

28th – 29th January: Posh Weekend (Caviar, fois gras, quails eggs).

4th – 5th February: Baby Food Weekend (Jars of mush).

11th – 12th February: Raw Food Weekend (Animals that are still breathing).

18th – 19th February: Lebanese Weekend (I’m not sure what this is, but I’ve got a Lebanese friend who’s going to give me recipes).

25th – 26th February: Jamie Oliver Weekend (Bit of this, bit of that).

4th – 5th March: Prison Loaf Weekend: (Lots of loaves, no cutlery).

11th-12th March: Scottish Weekend (Sausage suppers, deep fried mars bars, haggis obz).

18th – 19th March: Low Carbon Weekend (Food that doesn’t kill the environment).

25th – 26th March: Five-Bite Weekend (Only allowed to take five bites of food).

1st-2nd April: 70s Cooking Weekend (70s food).

8th – 9th April: Palio Weekend (Diet of the Palaeolithic human).

15th – 16th April: The Zone Weekend (Meat that’s the size of your palm and one potato).

22nd – 23rd April: The Brian Butterfield Weekend (Day of fasting, day of binging).

So that’s my plan. If you have any other suggestions then please don’t let me know what they are in the comments because I’m already going to struggle with this lot. I don’t know what I want to achieve with this blog. I mean, it’s kind of insane that people actually seriously do some of these diets so it’ll be cool to see what two days of it will be like. Going vegan is a bit less extreme, which is why I thought I’d start with that, and it is actually really good for the environment so maybe if I find it ok for two days, I’ll do it for longer after the four months.

HA. Like that would EVER happen.


Hands Up Who Loves The Weekend!

Hands Up Who Loves The Weekend!

Hello Party People!

I’m in a pub just now. With the boyfriend (who’s watching the football). This is the third day in a row we’ve been to this pub. It’s really lovely. Dark and dingy and down some steps so it’s kind of hidden away. And the people who come here seem nice, although I haven’t had much to do with them. There was one old man who hoped I wasn’t going to put sugar in my tea.

I liked him.

So. It’s November (17th? 18th? 19th?), and its starting to feel a little bit Christmassy. We put on some Christmas tunes at work the other day and although it felt too early, it was quite nice. But then everyone got really busy and stressed and sort of forgot about the music. It was a truly manic day yesterday, which was why when I passed the pub last night I thought, Gosh darn it I really need a wee glass of wine. 

And so I did.

The boyfriend joined me. And then our flat-mate came along too. We all got suitably tipsy. My flat-mate’s a bit stressed about life just now. I tried to reassure her by singing Taylor Swift’s song ’22’, but I’m not sure how much it helped. Then I got sad because I realised I’m going to be 24 in a few months and SHE had to reassure ME that that wasn’t old. Which I know, but we all like to complain about stuff that doesn’t really warrant any complaints, don’t we?

Please say you do.

I woke up really early today. Sods Law. You spend the whole working week DREAMING of a lie in and then when the weekend actually comes you’re wide awake at 7.00am. I don’t really mind though. I actually love getting up and watching tv in the living room on a Saturday morning. I especially love watching Rick Stein. He uses so much salt and olive oil in his food!

Ok, Arsenal are losing so we’re thinking about going into town and starting our Christmas shopping.


The Voice of Guilt

The Voice of Guilt

I think I’m slowly coming to realisation that I prefer the working day to a day off. I know this is mental, but I really think it’s true. Like, when I’m working, I can let myself get so excited about my day off that’s coming up. I can think about all the things I want to do, dream about my lie in, and get trashed (if I want to). But then when the day off actually comes, I’m overcome with the voice of GUILT. And out of all the voices in my head, this one is by far the worst.

Ha, I sound pretty nuts.

If I’m hungover my guilt’s way worse, but it’s bad even when I’m not. I mean, I didn’t get too drunk last night (the trick is to fill a large wine glass to the brim and then not look at the bottle), but I’m still feeling panicky today. Panicky that I’m not using my day off to the best of its advantage.

But what is using a day off to the best of its advantages? Surely it’s doing WHATEVER it is that you want to do because your day off is your OWN day. You don’t have to answer to anyone, you don’t have to be anywhere, you don’t need to get out of bed at the crack of dawn, and you don’t need to make sure you get a good nights sleep the night before.

But the thing is, I KNOW all of this. I know I can do whatever I want, but I still can’t help feeling like I should do something useful with my day. Like go to a museum or spend the morning wandering around a local farmer’s market or going for a swim or painting a picture or baking a banana loaf or learning another a language.

HA, check the alliteration above! Baking a Banana loaf, Painting a Picture, and Learning a Language…that’s pretty cool, isn’t it?

It’s the little things.

But back to the day off thing, knowing these things doesn’t help. Logic is just something that will NEVER quash those annoying voices, is it? And I’ve even tried to do things on a day off. Like one day, I walked to the top of Arthur’s Seat, but it SUCKED ASS. It started raining, I was freezing, everyone else had someone there with them, I got lost, there was a dog that scared me, and when I went back to work the next day, I was sore and cranky. I should have just stayed in bed and watched t.v., which I vowed I would do on my next day off, but here I am, feeling all guilty again.


Too Much Time

Too Much Time


I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently, which is probably why I’ve started blogging again. Like last week I had the flu, which meant I spent the majority of time in bed, eating ice cream and listening to Harry Potter (don’t say I don’t know how to treat myself). Then it was my birthday and I’d already booked a couple of holidays off work and then, miraculously, I somehow got three days off in row. I think it’s probably because I’m working a seven day straight after these three days so they’re bringing me up before they bring me down.

Stupid corporate world.

It’s been a little weird having this much free time. I definitely haven’t used it wisely. I’m not even sure how I’ve spent it if I’m honest. OH, I KNOW!!! I was Facebook stalking someone and saw they’d put up a picture of some custard, a spoon, and a tv series I’d never heard of before. Now, the girl that I was stalking was someone I knew from University (and by “knew” I mean we were shoved into a presentation group for one semester and so would meet once a week so I could tell her the plot of the novel she hadn’t read), and she was pretty awesome. I had a I-want-to-be-her sort of crush on her. Her eyebrows were always untidy and she smoked and she did creative writing and was Glaswegian and lived with her Mum and a cat – see? She’s really is pretty awesome, which is why I occasionally stalk her so I can find out where I’m going wrong.

ANYWAY, back to my free time. So I saw the custard, the spoon, and the tv series, and I thought, You know what? That looks like a pretty swell way to spend my evening so I started watching the tv series. It’s called Sugar Rush – ever heard of it? If you haven’t, I would THOROUGHLY recommend it. It’s about a gay teenage girl living in London who has a massive crush on her hot best friend. I’m actually so jealous that I didn’t write it. It’s quirky and funny and intelligent and everything I would hope to write one day.

Other than that, I’ve just been chilling. I’m sitting in a cafe right now. I’ve just ordered a cappuccino, even though I only ever drink coffee in summer. I’m actually so excited for summer. Well, I’m looking forward to the longer, sunnier days (I realise I live in Scotland, but I’m being optimistic), but I’m also feeling a little nervous because I’m giving myself until summer to figure out my life, career, future plans bla bla bla. I’ll probably do absolutely nothing about them in true me style, but it’s good to have goals.

Ooh, my coffee’s just arrived and it looks and smells delicious. I’ve probably totally ruined it by putting three sugars in it.


I’m sort of dreading going back to work tomorrow. I’m working in an opticians and whenever I go away for a wee while, knowledge about contact lenses and wear schedules and cataract surgery completely falls out of my head. I’m just really hoping it’s not my lens lesson day tomorrow. That’s when I have to teach people how to wear contact lenses and my lessons are so sketchy that we should probably be sued. The patients look at me all red eyed and teary, having finally managed to put their contact lenses in (probably inside out) and ask, “Was that ok?” and I just smile and nod, while inwardly I’m completely freaking out that I’ve blinded them.

(I’ve finished my coffee so I’ve decided to order a smoothie. It’s called Purple and it’s got beetroot, raspberry, and banana in it. I’m excited and proud of myself for being healthy.)

Once I finish my novel, I’m totally going to write a tv series based in an Opticians. I can’t believe it’s never been done before. My colleagues can – they think that no one would like to watch something so unbelievably boring as a tv series based in an Opticians, but I think they’re wrong. I actually think they’re just worried about how I’m going to portray them, which I guess is a pretty reasonable worry. Whenever I write about people, I do tend to portray them in a somewhat negative light. I don’t mean to. I normally write about people I really like as well, but they just come off as monsters, idiots, or alcoholics. I keep telling everyone that the characters will just be based on them and that I’m going to exaggerate like CRAZY, but they’re still very apprehensive. OOH, my smoothie’s arrived. And it looks so pink, healthy, and delicious!

Takes sip of smoothie and almost gags.

Yep. It tastes like soil.