Do These Things And You Will NEVER Get A Man

Do These Things And You Will NEVER Get A Man

Wear Too Much Makeup

For the love of God, don’t make it look like you’ve made an effort. That’s a surefire way to lose a man let alone gain one. Men really hate orange faces and eyelashes clouted in mascara. They like their women to be natural. But of course, don’t actually be natural. You’ll lose them that way too. Just buy some insanely expensive foundation (if it’s for your man, it’s worth it) and dab a tiny little bit of mascara onto those lashes – enough to perk them up, but not enough to make it seem like you’re wearing mascara. Or if that’s too difficult, just go to the beautician and get some fake natural eyelashes put in.

Forget To Shave

Men are absolutely repulsed by hair in the wrong places. No matter how busy you’ve been, you should always make time for that extra 20 minutes in the shower every morning. Either that, or say goodbye to sex. Why not get permanent hair removal? It only burns, takes forever, and will cost you an entire months wage or more, but it’s totally worth it!

Have Short Hair (On The head)

Short hair is for boys. If the man you’ve got your eye on sees you with short hair then they will think you are a BOY. Forget about your face shape or what actually suits you, men love really long, luscious hair even if it drowns your beautiful face and makes you look like a stowaway. Will they get unreasonably annoyed about your long hair clogging up the plug hole and getting in their faces while you spoon? Yes, but it’s a sacrifice they’re willing to make.

Ridiculous Pinterest Hairstyles

Trying to be a little bit different? Quirky? Stand out from the norm? Don’t bother. Men think these kinds of hairstyles look horrific and they’ll get annoyed at how long you take to get ready. Men like soft curls, but again just make sure that the curls are natural. Men like hair that actually moves so wax, mousse, and hairspray are not an option.

Bold Lipstick

Bold colours should only come out on Halloween. If then. There’s SO many lovely shades of red and pink out there that why would you try and be a little bit different? Having said that, men don’t like it when your beautiful shade of red or pink lipstick gets on them, but then, you won’t bag a kiss unless you’re wearing that lipstick so we suggest you do a quick run to the ladies room right before the crucial moment. Just make sure to have your mouth covered when you come back out. In a way that’s sexy.

Kalabunga Kelvingrove!

Kalabunga Kelvingrove!

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The Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum dominates the top of pretty much every Things To Do in Glasgow list and so I decided to head there. I’ve actually been a couple of times before, but this place is so big that I don’t think I’ve seen it all. Actually, I DEFINITELY haven’t seen it all – the three times I have been there I wondered around the same rooms and every time I tried to find another, I ended up at the exit and took that as a sign to go home, make a sandwich, and try to come up with at least one intelligent thought about the things I did see. The only thing I pondered this time was how much this made me giggle:

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Seriously, what is this? There was no caption with it and so I couldn’t help but imagine what was going through this woman’s mind. If I let go of my boob, I will die a terrible death; Maybe if I hold my boob long enough, I will grow legsIf that bird on my shoulder thinks it is going to get my right boob, it is WRONGand I am so horny, yet SO CONFUSED were a few of the captions I could come up with. She really was a bit of an enigma, but it was also in the room of beauty, which was nice. I thought that if more people were to perceive this sort of look as beautiful then we would all have to spend a lot less time in front of the mirror. Although, maybe angrily grabbing our boobs in public would be a bit weird.

Also in the room of beauty was a picture of the Virgin Mary (I’m guessing because of the whole pure, innocent thing); Brad Pitt whose “appearance helped him become a successful movie star” (his success shouldn’t have anything to do with his appearance, but whatever); Cleopatra (it was a picture of Elizabeth Taylor when she played her in a film so I don’t know who they’re saying is beautiful), and Jo Spence who photographed herself when she had breast cancer to show that disfigured and scarred bodies are beautiful too (I have nothing sarky to say about her: I loved her photos). There were also these happy chappies –

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– who look like they’re enjoying a really good gathering of some sort. You can just tell they cause havoc when the doors close and everything comes to life – the wee rascals.

I then moved upstairs to have a look at some of the paintings, yet I must admit, I feel a bit lost when it comes to art. I just either like things…or I don’t. There are some paintings in the gallery that seemed as though a two year old had done, but then there were others like Salvador Dali’s painting of St John of the Cross that literally glued me to the spot and made all the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. The painting depicts, in an extreme high angle, Jesus Christ on the cross in a darkened sky above a beach where there’s someone fishing in a boat. Christ’s face is hidden and there’s no blood…there’s nothing exactly dramatic in the painting, but as a whole, it’s one of the most dramatic paintings I’ve ever seen.

I don’t know, maybe it’s Catholic guilt.

I also had a look at some stuffed animals, but they had no cats and so I got bored pretty quickly. Luckily for me, I passed this cutie on the way home –

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– and practically chased it down the street until it showed me some affection.

So all in all, I enjoyed wondering around the Kelvingrove for the third time. It’s free, you might learn something, and their carrot cake in the downstairs cafe is to die for. Sadly, I think it was the carrot cake I felt most passionate about and the fact that the majority of my thoughts consisted of Yes, I like; No, I don’t like, and Ha, that’s funny; my suspicions that I would be devoid of any intelligent thought whatsoever, were indeed confirmed.

But damn, that carrot cake was good.