I’m Blogging on a Friday Night

I’m Blogging on a Friday Night

Okay. So blogging on a Friday night doesn’t sound that fun BUT I have had a few glasses of wine and I have no idea what this blog is going to be about – I’m letting my hair down (very figuratively) and going rogue. It’s wild.

One thing I thought I’d write about is friendship. I was going to have the title “A Good Friend Is…” and then the blog would be a big list of all the traits of a good friend. It would have had stuff like they give it to you straight and you don’t want to kill them. Or you want to kill them but you can tell them you want to kill them and then you can have a laugh about it. Or they laugh at your outfit choices. Or they tally up the amount of favours you owe them. Or they’ll get drunk with you if you need it. Or they’ll stay in with you if you need it. They know your mum. They tell you that they prefer your mum over you. A good friend is sort of like having a partner but without the sexual attraction. Like, you could probably marry your best friend if you fancied them. Sometimes, you wish you did fancy them. That would make life easy. They’re always on your side – even when it seems like they’re not.

So yeah, it was going to be stuff like that. BUT THEN I thought I’d write about Nina Stibbe. I LOVE HER. Like, I actually really properly think I love her. She’s written four books and I love them all. One of the books was made into a TV show and I love that. I listened to a podcast with her in it this morning and she was warm, funny, intelligent, and NICE. I know some people hate the word “nice”, but it’s TOTALLY underrated. I love nice people – well, just as long as they have a bit of edge. Or not an edge – just something genuine, if that makes sense? But anyway, back to Nina. She’s had a reallly quirky childhood and I think that’s why I relate to all her stories so much. Her parents are totally fucking mental – like mine. If we met, we’d probably have a real good bond over our mental childhoods.

So then I thought I’d write about parents. The different parents you get. The different ways we can all be screwed up – or the different ways we can all turn out great, I suppose. But urgh, that all gets a bit grey, doesn’t it? And who really cares about the kinds of parents there are? I really just wanted to write about the time my dad tried to convince me that getting high would help me get an A in my English Higher.

Then I thought I’d write about Christmas. About how people tend to get a bit nuts at Christmas. But meh. I’m not ready to write about Christmas yet. IT’S TOO STRESSFUL. Not only do I not know what I want to get people, but I don’t know what they should get me. It’s SUCH a hard life.

Then I thought I’d just start writing and see what happened.

And then this happened.

New Year, New Crazy Weird Food Blog!

New Year, New Crazy Weird Food Blog!

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Hehe. 

Happy new year, everyone! Did you all have a good holiday? Lots of fun, laughter, general merriment, drunkenness, hugs with friends, fights with the family?

I had a lovely time off. Well, despite my mum telling me that my legs had got really fat and then waking up to a Fitbit on Christmas morning. A FITBIT. There couldn’t be another present out there that isn’t anymore unlike me (does that make sense? I’m not really sure…). Although it’s actually turned out that my mum knows me better than myself (yet again) as I’ve really enjoyed having it. I get really depressed when I don’t make the average amount of steps so I’ve started going for long walks and/or runs. My Fitbit also tells me how many calories I’ve burned, which is a mega boost. Did you know that your body burns about 14oo calories just by staying alive? How awesome is that? So you can sit on the couch all day and perfectly justify having another packet of crips. That is so my kind of fitness!

Anyway (New Year’s Resolution Number 1: stop rambling on and just get to the point), I’ve decided to write a new kind of blog. AND I KNOW I KNOW I’VE DONE THIS BEFORE AND JUST GIVEN UP LIKE A HOPELESS DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING WHO CAN’T COMITT TO A SINGLE THING, but this time I’m really going to stick with it.

Seriously.

(I mean I might still cave, but I’m really, really, really going to try not to).

So what is it? Well, for about three months I’m going to try a different fad diet every weekend. I thought about doing it for a week, but then I thought I’ve got to have a realistic goal. There’s no WAY I’d stick a week eating nothing but ‘Prison Loaf’ (yes it’s an actual diet, yes it’s horrifying, and yes it’s on my list). I’ll document each day and each thing I eat and I might even make videos like those Tasty videos – although obviously I’ll have to call my videos ‘Disgusting’.

The Plan:

7th – 8th January: Vegan Weekend (nuts and stuff).

14th – 15th January: Russian Weekend (strange jelly food).

21st – 22nd January: Atkins Weekend (NO CARBS OMG).

28th – 29th January: Posh Weekend (Caviar, fois gras, quails eggs).

4th – 5th February: Baby Food Weekend (Jars of mush).

11th – 12th February: Raw Food Weekend (Animals that are still breathing).

18th – 19th February: Lebanese Weekend (I’m not sure what this is, but I’ve got a Lebanese friend who’s going to give me recipes).

25th – 26th February: Jamie Oliver Weekend (Bit of this, bit of that).

4th – 5th March: Prison Loaf Weekend: (Lots of loaves, no cutlery).

11th-12th March: Scottish Weekend (Sausage suppers, deep fried mars bars, haggis obz).

18th – 19th March: Low Carbon Weekend (Food that doesn’t kill the environment).

25th – 26th March: Five-Bite Weekend (Only allowed to take five bites of food).

1st-2nd April: 70s Cooking Weekend (70s food).

8th – 9th April: Palio Weekend (Diet of the Palaeolithic human).

15th – 16th April: The Zone Weekend (Meat that’s the size of your palm and one potato).

22nd – 23rd April: The Brian Butterfield Weekend (Day of fasting, day of binging).

So that’s my plan. If you have any other suggestions then please don’t let me know what they are in the comments because I’m already going to struggle with this lot. I don’t know what I want to achieve with this blog. I mean, it’s kind of insane that people actually seriously do some of these diets so it’ll be cool to see what two days of it will be like. Going vegan is a bit less extreme, which is why I thought I’d start with that, and it is actually really good for the environment so maybe if I find it ok for two days, I’ll do it for longer after the four months.

HA. Like that would EVER happen.

 

I LOVE My Job, Ok?

I LOVE My Job, Ok?

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This photo has nothing to do with what I’m going to write, but since I’m talking about the Spar all the time, I haven’t been putting up any photos and I miss it. I took this photo in Barcelona because the t-shirt made me giggle – yes, I am probably one of the most immature individuals out there, but seriously, it’s funny! I actually wish I bought it. I would never wear it out, but it would definitely make me giggle every bedtime. The owner was also getting a bit pissed off with me because I kept taking photos of all the funny things in the shop, but didn’t actually buy anything. That would annoy me in the Spar – if people came in, took some pictures of a lettuce, a jar of mayonnaise, and a carton of milk and then left. It would also be deemed a tad eccentric.

So anyway, the hair went down ok…I think. You can never tell, can you? If people are being sincere or lying their asses off? No one told me that I looked like a boy who had bird shit on his head, but then why would they? I wish they would. We could maybe be friends. My Dad would tell me straight, but when he came into the shop, he didn’t even notice anything different. OH MY GOD, I wish my Dad would just stay away from the shop. My new boss told me that he came in the other day and said, “Have you heard about Josie’s blog?” (he hasn’t because I don’t tell ANYONE about it) so Dad then told him, “Oh, you’re in it a LOT”.

Thanks a bunch, Dad.

Now I feel like I have to be really careful about what I write about. When my boss told me what Dad had said, I giggled very faintly and said, “I’ll send you a link” (NOT going to happen). I still have palpitations about a story I wrote about the Spar in school and sent off to the exam board.

So, just to clarify, the new owners are LOVELY. The other staff that I’ve known for years are LOVELY. The customers are LOVELY. The till is LOVELY. The mop is LOVELY. The fact the 50p’s are kept locked in the safe even though all the other change is kept outside it, is LOVELY. Everything is just LOVELY. LOVELY, LOVELY, LOVELY.

LOVELY, OK?

Spar-ing it Up

Spar-ing it Up

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So after my lovely travels to Greece, the west coast of Scotland, and Spain; I have now returned to my home village and the job that I have had for the past six years on and off: THE SPAR. I can’t believe I’m working there again – it’s like a drug and I’m reluctantly going back for more. Sometimes I get a bit embarrassed when people come in and go “Oh, you’re back again?” and I think that they’re thinking, So THIS is how you spend our taxes? You get a job that you had BEFORE uni? Why don’t you put that place to good use and get a nice internship somewhere…but I’m sure that’s me just being paranoid – they really, probably, don’t give a shit.

To those who follow my blog (if you give a shit): DON’T FEAR. There are just as many funny stories to come from the Spar as there are abroad and to be honest, the ones from the Spar are probably funnier, although I would laugh at a hole in a biscuit so I’ll let you be the judge of that. If, after the tenth blog about another dropped jar of Lloyd Grossman’s Chicken Korma, you wish to de-follow, feel free.

I won’t cry.

But already there’s a wee scandal afoot. One day, a customer came in to drop by Better Together leaflets, but when, the next day, he came to check that they were still there, they were GONE. DUN DUN DUN. Turns out, it was a member of staff that had hidden them, in a torrent of rage no doubt. DRAMA. But it doesn’t stop there. Another customer, on seeing the Better Together leaflets, handed in her own ones that supported the YES! campaign and you know what happened? Someone hid them! I have my suspicions that it was the Better Together customer, but I can’t be certain. I shall employ my detective skills today and see what I can find out. The owners are on the verge of declaring the Spar a neutral, free-of-politics, zone (we can’t have that, can we? The social hub of the community?) so something must be done!

Yeah, ok, go ahead and de-follow.