- Am I bad feminist?
- Are they stretch marks or heat rash?
- I should really shave my legs.
- I’m horny.
- I’m not horny.
- Why do I feel so anxious?
- What did they mean when they said that?
- I’m going to be fired.
- I can’t wait to take my bra off.
- I’ll just snooze for five more minutes.
- They are so annoying.
- Please don’t sit next to me.
- I can’t believe they sat next to me.
- I just want to get drunk.
- I’m going on a diet and I’m joining a gym.
- Did someone say crisps?
- I’m hungry. I’m hungry, I’m hungry, I’m hungry.
- This day is dragging.
- This day is going too quickly.
- Is is too early to have a glass of wine?
- I think my friends hate me.
- I should really get out more.
- OMG I’VE GOT LEG CRAMP.
- Does Kate Middleton poop?
- My resting face is HIDEOUS.
- I don’t know what I’ll do when Emma Thompson dies.
- What actually is deja vu?
- Has missing that bus just changed the entire course of my life?
- Gwyneth Paltrow suits short hair.
- Is that my feet that smell?
- I’m not going to have any seconds.
- Okay, I’ll have seconds but I’m not going to have any thirds.
- It’s not a third if I’m literally eating one chip and a tiny piece of chicken.
- I’m so full. I’m never eating again.
- How are they so smart?
- She is so beautiful.
- Her eye liner is PERFECTION.
- I’m going to watch an eye liner tutorial when I get home.
- She is so skinny.
- I’ll just read to the end of this chapter.
- OMG I NEED TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT.
- Will I ever finish my novel?
- Is there any point finishing it if it’s total crap?
- Whatever happens, I’m getting drunk when I finish it.
- I can’t believe I’m getting turned on by watching someone type.
- It can’t be natural for two people to spend the rest of their lives together, can it?
- I wonder what a G spot orgasm feels like.
- Maybe I should get a G spot vibrator.
- Are G spot orgasms the same as vaginal orgasms?
- Is it true that it becomes easier to have one of these the older you get?
- That’s something to look forward to.
- I am way out of my depth here.
- Does anyone know that I’m a total imposter?
- I miss the country.
- I hate people.
- I just want to lock myself away for a whole month and not speak to anyone.
- Apart from my boyfriend. He can stay.
- OMG I JUST SWALLOWED A BUG.
- Why can’t everyone just get along?
- The news is so depressing.
- I HATE Donald Trump.
- Does his wife really have to have sex with him?
- I’m going to go to Lakeland at the weekend and buy grown up kitchen things.
- I want a baby.
- I wonder what my children will look like.
- Will I actually be able to raise humans?
- All Dad wanted for his children was to be thick and happy.
- That’s actually a good aspiration.
- Where even is Dad? Canada? Spain?
- I wonder what retirement is like.
- I hope I do something good with my life.
- Does anyone die without any regrets?
- Life is really weird.
- I DON’T WANT TO DIE.
- Why is cheese so damn TASTY?
- I love my bike.
- The words I am saying right now don’t make any sense put together.
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
- Ooh a Buzzfeed Disney princess quiz!
- Politics are really hard to understand.
- I don’t understand money.
- How can we trust what anyone says?
- I’m so stupid.
- I need to improve my vocabulary.
- Aardvark. An African ant-eating mammal.
- Sometimes I wish I smoked.
- My cheek bones have no definition.
- Why am I imagining having sex with this person who I’m not even attracted to?
- What would it be like to put my foot on the accelerator and not take it off?
- I really hope I don’t drop this baby.
- I don’t ever want to go to a mental institution.
- What if I totally thought I was sane, but I was actually crazy?
- OR what if I was sane, but everyone was trying to convince me I was crazy?
- What even is “normal”?
- I wish I could be invisible.
- I don’t think I’d like to be telepathic. That could be dangerous.
- It would be so easy to steal this eye liner.
- I love rain.
- I don’t want that person to die.
I’ve been spending sometime up at my Dad’s recently since he’s got a new, vapour, electric pipe thing that doesn’t stink out my work clothes and also because I think a mouse died under my Mum’s sink, meaning I couldn’t get to the fairy liquid and so couldn’t do the dishes and mess make me nervous. The thought of the dead mouse was also making me nervous. I really don’t like dead things, however small they are. When I sweep up the shop at the end of the night, I let all the little bugs go free (don’t tell the customers) because I like dead things even less if I’ve killed them (if their life’s so insignificant, who’s to say mine isn’t? Hmm, I actually think this is a Buddhist’s way of thinking. Huh, maybe I’m a Buddhist).
So anyway, yesterday I decided to go back to my Mum’s because she had checked under the sink and had assured me there was no wee dead mousie (oh timorous beastie) there. I was also in need of food other than fried eggs and pork belly. Although, pork belly is DELICIOUS (not a Buddhist, then). So there I was, having a whale of a time back at Mum’s, reading my book and eating coffee mousse, when my step-mum (who’s abroad at the minute) contacted me to ask me something about my size (new dress? NEW DRESS?!) and then casually slipped in that she’d been trying to get ahold of Dad all day, but that there had been no answer.
“No worries, I’ll try him again tomorrow. See you!”
So simple, so breezy, so “no worries” – is that what it’s like in the mind of a normal person? Because I was freaking OUT. The only logical explanation I could fathom as to why he wasn’t answering his phone was that he was DEAD. My rational – I like to think that the rational part of my mind looks like this:
– and irrational – I like to think that the irrational part of my mind looks like this:
– argued it out:
OH MY GOD, HE’S DEAD.
It’s Dad. He’s probably just having one of those days where he doesn’t want to talk to anyone.
But he answered the phone ALL day yesterday! Why wouldn’t he answer it today?! He must be dead!!!!
You’ve just answered your own question: he’s not answering today BECAUSE he answered the phone all day yesterday. He wants a break. And remember what he said the last time it rang? “That bloody phone has been going all bloody day”. It’s definitely one of his not-answering-phone-days.
But Marina’s away – surely he’d want to hear from her? See if she got there safely and is having a good time? He must have had a heart attack and DIIIIIIIIIED!!!!!
Do you know your father BUT AT ALL? He never checks up on his wives.
But he checked up on me that one time!!
That’s because you are a raging lunatic who phones your family far too much so when he hadn’t heard from you in two weeks, he naturally thought something was up.
No, I don’t believe you. And what if I do actually listen to you, forget about it and go to bed, and he really is lying up there all by himself in desperate need of help! I will NEVER forgive you. And you know how unhealthy he is, I can’t believe you’re not more worried. You should be ASHAMED.
So, needless to say, the irrational won and after a slightly healthier, although futile, argument with my mum – “Josie, I was with your Dad for twenty years, he never answers his phone” – I drove (like a maniac on prozac, with mental images of the tea and toast I made him that morning lying congealed and untouched) to his house at half past midnight.
And yep, he’d unplugged the phone. So please, PLEASE, Mr Black Cat, if you could just become a tad more powerful and suppress the crazy, I’d be ever so grateful.