Dad: I need to figure out what to do with your grandad.
Me: What do you mean?
Dad: Well, he’s just sitting through in the office.
Me: His ashes?
Me: Why don’t you scatter them in the sea? He loved the sea.
Dad: Well, I promised him I’d put bury his ashes next to Grandma’s but I promised her I wouldn’t put his ashes anywhere near her.
Me: Get your feet off the table!
Brother: What? They’re clean. Smell them.
Me: No! You’ve been walking on the floor all morning.
Brother: Fine, I’ll put on my shoes.
Dad: People keep wishing me a happy 70th birthday. How can I possibly have a happy 70th birthday? It’s a contradiction in terms, isn’t it?
Dad: So Norm, I was thinking I’d make you macaroni and cheese tonight. We’re going to have beef.
Brother: I don’t eat cheese. I’m vegan now.
Dad: Oh for fuck’s sake.
Brother: I go swimming now.
Me: I’ve joined a gym!
Brother: Jesus, I couldn’t join a gym.
Me: Going swimming is practically going to a gym.
Brother: I prefer cycling.
Me: I cycle AND go to the gym.
Dad: I turn over onto my other side to avoid bed sores.
Dad: I’ll never be as smart as I was when I was 18.
Dad (to me): You were never smart when you were 18.
Me: I know, I was just thinking that.
Sister: You were nice though.
Dad: What are you, Fraser?
Boyfriend: My star sign?
Me: He’s an Aries.
Sister: Oh, fire!
Me: His midheaven is all air though.
Me: Dad, what is that?
Dad: What do you think it is?
Me: No, Dad. Seriously, what is it? Is it grass?
Me: Is grass and weed the same thing?
Whole family: Of course it is.