- Am I bad feminist?
- Are they stretch marks or heat rash?
- I should really shave my legs.
- I’m horny.
- I’m not horny.
- Why do I feel so anxious?
- What did they mean when they said that?
- I’m going to be fired.
- I can’t wait to take my bra off.
- I’ll just snooze for five more minutes.
- They are so annoying.
- Please don’t sit next to me.
- I can’t believe they sat next to me.
- I just want to get drunk.
- I’m going on a diet and I’m joining a gym.
- Did someone say crisps?
- I’m hungry. I’m hungry, I’m hungry, I’m hungry.
- This day is dragging.
- This day is going too quickly.
- Is is too early to have a glass of wine?
- I think my friends hate me.
- I should really get out more.
- OMG I’VE GOT LEG CRAMP.
- Does Kate Middleton poop?
- My resting face is HIDEOUS.
- I don’t know what I’ll do when Emma Thompson dies.
- What actually is deja vu?
- Has missing that bus just changed the entire course of my life?
- Gwyneth Paltrow suits short hair.
- Is that my feet that smell?
- I’m not going to have any seconds.
- Okay, I’ll have seconds but I’m not going to have any thirds.
- It’s not a third if I’m literally eating one chip and a tiny piece of chicken.
- I’m so full. I’m never eating again.
- How are they so smart?
- She is so beautiful.
- Her eye liner is PERFECTION.
- I’m going to watch an eye liner tutorial when I get home.
- She is so skinny.
- I’ll just read to the end of this chapter.
- OMG I NEED TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT.
- Will I ever finish my novel?
- Is there any point finishing it if it’s total crap?
- Whatever happens, I’m getting drunk when I finish it.
- I can’t believe I’m getting turned on by watching someone type.
- It can’t be natural for two people to spend the rest of their lives together, can it?
- I wonder what a G spot orgasm feels like.
- Maybe I should get a G spot vibrator.
- Are G spot orgasms the same as vaginal orgasms?
- Is it true that it becomes easier to have one of these the older you get?
- That’s something to look forward to.
- I am way out of my depth here.
- Does anyone know that I’m a total imposter?
- I miss the country.
- I hate people.
- I just want to lock myself away for a whole month and not speak to anyone.
- Apart from my boyfriend. He can stay.
- OMG I JUST SWALLOWED A BUG.
- Why can’t everyone just get along?
- The news is so depressing.
- I HATE Donald Trump.
- Does his wife really have to have sex with him?
- I’m going to go to Lakeland at the weekend and buy grown up kitchen things.
- I want a baby.
- I wonder what my children will look like.
- Will I actually be able to raise humans?
- All Dad wanted for his children was to be thick and happy.
- That’s actually a good aspiration.
- Where even is Dad? Canada? Spain?
- I wonder what retirement is like.
- I hope I do something good with my life.
- Does anyone die without any regrets?
- Life is really weird.
- I DON’T WANT TO DIE.
- Why is cheese so damn TASTY?
- I love my bike.
- The words I am saying right now don’t make any sense put together.
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
- Ooh a Buzzfeed Disney princess quiz!
- Politics are really hard to understand.
- I don’t understand money.
- How can we trust what anyone says?
- I’m so stupid.
- I need to improve my vocabulary.
- Aardvark. An African ant-eating mammal.
- Sometimes I wish I smoked.
- My cheek bones have no definition.
- Why am I imagining having sex with this person who I’m not even attracted to?
- What would it be like to put my foot on the accelerator and not take it off?
- I really hope I don’t drop this baby.
- I don’t ever want to go to a mental institution.
- What if I totally thought I was sane, but I was actually crazy?
- OR what if I was sane, but everyone was trying to convince me I was crazy?
- What even is “normal”?
- I wish I could be invisible.
- I don’t think I’d like to be telepathic. That could be dangerous.
- It would be so easy to steal this eye liner.
- I love rain.
- I don’t want that person to die.
I used to write lists about things I wanted to achieve in life allll the time and I don’t think I ever managed to tick one thing off them. Seriously, like New Years resolutions, these lists are depressing. You feel like you’re not doing enough so you write a list and yeah, this makes you feel better for a wee while, but then when nothing is achieved on that list, you feel even worse about yourself. This is what happens with me anyway. Therefore, I’m going to write an Anti-Bucket List, things I Don’t want to achieve and so if I’m in the lucky position of dying of old age, I can look back over my life and be thankful for all those things that didn’t happen. And so here goes…
1) I do not want to give birth to a murderer.
Let’s Talk About Kevin reeeeeally freaked me out. I’ve always thought I’d quite like kids when I’m older, but this book has made me think twice. I mean, how on earth do the mothers of murderers cope?! What happens to their unconditional love? Do they blame themselves and the way they brought their child up? Everyone expects to love their child and feel that bond, but what if you don’t? What if your child is EVIL? Luckily for me, I haven’t had to deal with this as of yet.
2) I do not want to climb Mount Everest.
I feel dizzy enough at big heights when I see them on the telly so I don’t think I could handle Mount Everest. I also don’t like being cold. And hill walking boots have never agreed with me. And I don’t care that the only thing people will remember me by, “is the ass print in this chair!”
3) I do not want to swim with sharks.
Some people think that conditioning doesn’t affect the way you grow up, but I’m pretty sure that my dad letting me watch Jaws when I was five has been the cause of my dreaded fear of sharks. The only positive thing I can see about swimming with sharks is the thrill you get afterwards, but I don’t think I would get to experience that thrill because I would have probably already died of fright.
4) I don’t want to sleep under the stars in a dessert.
Nuh uh, no way. First of all, sleeping in a dessert would mean I would have to wake up in a dessert and I’ve heard those places can be quite hot during the day. I’ve also heard they have snakes and so I’d have to keep one eye open all night and that doesn’t sound very refreshing. Camels look dodgy as well.
5) I do not want to move to a foreign country by myself.
I could do this with someone else, I think, but by myself, I would just be completely lost. I would miss my friends and family too much, be lonely, and would die without irn bru when I’m hungover.
6) I do not want to meditate.
I would literally just sit there and worry about accidentally farting. And I don’t think that would help me achieve inner peace.
7) I do not want to run for parliament.
HA! Imagine me in parliament.
8) I do not want to sky dive.
I’ve heard great reviews about sky diving and seen great videos, but it just sounds like pretending you’re in a plane crash to me.
9) I do not want to dance on a stage, drunk.
This is actually something I’ve attempted twice and both times I ended up crying because the bouncers told me off. I always was a sissy.
10) I do not want to enter an all you can eat hot dog contest.
Wait, yes I do, that would be AWESOME!
And so there’s some of the things on my Anti-Bucket list and phew, it’s refreshing admitting the things you’re just never going to do. I do realise that this might be a bit pessimistic, but you know what? My Bucket’s a little lighter now and there’s more room for things that there’s actually a chance of me doing.
(Oh holy hell, there’s still a chance that I could give birth to a murderer.)