Psychopaths, Bikes, and Soup

Psychopaths, Bikes, and Soup

Yep, that’s pretty much been my life for the last couple of weeks. I’ve been having a LOT of soup in a desperate attempt to rid my body of the excess fat it’s gained. What the hell happens to bodies in their 20s?!?!?! I used to be able to eat WHATEVER I wanted, but now the weight is just piling on! I mean, it’s probably all the sausage suppers. And the crisps. But no, my point is that I used to eat all the sausage suppers and crisps in the world and it made no difference to my weight.

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Storm Doris. And my legs. 

Getting older sucks, doesn’t it? Is it really just downhill from here?

The thing is, I know it isn’t. I think your body goes, you get wrinkles, there’s fat on your thighs THAT JUST WON’T BUDGE, but emotionally you probably get better as you get older, don’t you? Like, you’d become more confident in yourself and stuff? You don’t care so much about what people think about you.

I’m sorry. I have a feeling this is going to be a crap, rambling post. I blame P.M.T.

Speaking of the menstrual cycle, I just downloaded a period tracker app for my phone. It feels a bit suffocating to be honest. My next period’s just blaring out of the calendar in dark red numbers. It’s like it’s mocking me. If it could talk it would say, “I’m coming for you, you can’t hide from me, I will find you and I WILL destroy you”. It’s basically Slapsgiving. Yeah, that’s exactly what it is: Slapsgiving.

I just read The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson. I enjoyed it, although I got a bit worried that I was a psychopath. Well, it’s sort of strange because I wasn’t worrying that I was a psychopath, but then there was a passage that went, ‘Oh by the way, if you’re worrying that you might be a psychopath then that means that you are definitely NOT a psychopath’ so then I thought Shit, I haven’t been worrying that I’m a psychopath so does that mean  that I actually am one?!?!?!?!?!?! But then I calmed down. It’s weird. I’m the kind of person who’ll read symptoms and then be like, “YES THAT’S SO ME”. Like I’m listening to ‘The Guilty Feminist’ at the minute and I finally feel like I know what I am (although deep down I know I’m actually just guilty). But with psychopaths, I haven’t been able to relate at all. I know – it’s crazy, isn’t it?! And you know why I can’t relate? Amygdala. Psychopaths don’t have enough of this chemical and anxious people have TOO much of it. So that’s nice, isn’t it?

Every cloud.

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Psychopaths and Weetos.

Oh and speaking of ‘The Guilty Feminist’, I would just like to point out that I don’t MIND my extra weight…I’m totally comfortable with my body shape.

OKAY YOU GOT ME I HATE IT. I JUST WISH I COULD EAT ALL THE FOOD AND BE A SIZE 8 AT THE SAME TIME. AND BE TALLER. AND HAVE EYES THE SAME COLOUR. AND SMALLER CANKLES.

God, I am a TERRIBLE feminist. I told you I was just guilty! I guess the point is that I KNOW I should be okay with my shape and I’m working on it. I mean, there are some benefits to being a bit bigger. No one can give me birthday bumps anymore.

That’s nice.

Bikes. Bikes. Bikes. Bikes. The greatest thing to have happened to me since sliced bread and full fat butter. Bikes! Having a bike has been SO good. I love it. I feel like I’m ten years old again (well, apart from when I have to go up steep hills). Cycling to work puts me in such a good mood in the morning!  And now I have a BASKET. I don’t really have anything to put in my basket though. I normally just throw an extra scarf in there or something. And lip balm.

I’m going to go and check on my bike now.

 

Oops (But Also: My Paleo Sunday)

Oops (But Also: My Paleo Sunday)

Well, if I thought I was a failure last weekend it was NOTHING compared to this weekend. I left off my last blog just as I was about to go out for dinner so I’ll carry on from there…

I went out for dinner and, miraculously, I felt so much better once I started drinking again. The Pinot Grigio Rose was going down an absolute TREAT. But then I looked at the menu and realised that there was absolutely nothing Paleo about it, which, I mean, I should have known because how many cavemen would have gone to The Bailie for their dinner? Very few.

I, however, soldiered on  and ended up choosing the Balmoral Chicken as I thought that was the Paleo-ist thing on the menu, but all of my friends were giving me such shit about it! I don’t think they realised how much I had sacrificed in choosing that dish.

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I mean look at it! It’s basically just meat and veg (and haggis and gravy). I could have had a big sloppy burger or NACHOS or scampi and chips, which is DEFINITELY not Paleo! So I was really proud of myself – I had pretty much succeeded in being Paleo for the entire day. I had dieted for the day and NOT caved. I was really growing.

But then the small hours of Sunday arrived and I could hear the sausage suppers calling. We passed a chipper that was too beautiful to resist so I did it: I went in and I got myself a supper. And you know what? I didn’t even feel guilty. It was so pretty.

Then disaster struck. I tripped and my sausage went flying:

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This is me trying to save the soggy sausage.
As you can see from the photo above, I picked the sausage up and thought long and hard about eating it, but I eventually decided against it. I have eaten a lot of food off of a lot of floors, but a wet, grimy pavement was too much even for me. Again, I was proud of myself! Dropping my sausage meant that I couldn’t eat it, which meant that I STILL hadn’t failed my diet. But then my friend bought me another sausage, which was really nice and when you think about it, I would have looked like a right cow had I not eaten it.

So I ate it.

Yesterday passed in a hungover blur. I passed out on the couch the night before and slept there instead of in my bedroom. I did wake up in the early hours of the morning and try to make my way back into my bedroom, but I found my BF sleeping next to another friend (who actually has a flat in Edinburgh). My friend looked so peaceful that I decided not to wake him and even though I pretended to be mad when he woke up, I secretly felt all warm and cosy inside that he had stayed. I don’t know why – I was hungover and emotional.

A few friends from Aberdeen had stayed the night too. I actually fell asleep in between my two flat-mates from Uni. It was like a three tiered spoon and it was MAGICAL.

We spent Sunday cuddling, watching TV, farting, eating, and sleeping. It was really nice. I had eggs and bacon for breakfast then a takeaway curry for dinner. I read somewhere that cavemen LOVED chicken korma.

So there you have it! My Paleo weekend consisted of:

1x eggs and sausages

1x balmoral chicken

1x sausage supper

1x eggs and bacon

1x chicken korma takeaway

Next weekend is Vegan time! Stay tuned for further tales of triumphs and failures (but mostly failures).